Bàªte Noir.

... that thing recording ? Okay. Let's walk.

I don't hate Vampires. I don't loathe them either, just their Rogues' excesses...

Tragedy is they're as old as humanity, but they're parasites. Given indefinite life-span, what could you or I achieve ? I don't know. Given time, though, we might think of something. But, Vampires ?? No advance in Art, Science, Mathematics or Technology can they call their own. In fact, they've done their best to hold us back. For them, our ignorance is bliss...

So, why, after millennia of crypto-culture, did they make a grab ? Liz's numbers --Prof Liz to you-- say 'population'. Like locusts, they hit critical mass and swarmed. I'm old-fashioned. I think the hot-heads feared discovery, went for a pre-emptive strike...

I reckon CCTV was the key. Bad enough that cameras can pan & zoom. InfraRed meant even darkness was not safe...

And then came the paranoia over suicide bombers. Even airport X-rays show anomalies if you know where to look, but most can be masked. Terahertz imaging was their worst nightmare: It pierced Glamour, it revealed their gross differences, it could pick them out of a crowd like kudzu on a lawn...

Liz reckons some people have a TeraHertz sensitivity. There is a natural background flux, it would explain Dowsing and such. Whatever, suddenly there were TeraHertz scanners checking for bombers. A Vampire walked through.

Challenged, he charmed his way past two officers. The back-up team jumped him. He forgot himself and fought. He killed one, maimed another, took four 9mm rounds and fled. All on CCTV...

Rumour holds he was Dawn-Staked by his furious Nest-Kin. Other rumour says he was the tripwire for long-set contingency plans. Both could be true...

Yes, there's a lot of nonsense talked about Vampire bites.

Yes, they're after your blood. Some need more than others, depends on their degree of Porphyria. Most manage on very little. The 'classic' blood-thirst is often a learned craving. Like druggies or alcoholics, they've acquired a dependency. They need The Rush. And, the more they get, the more they need to satisfy their addiction...

Oh, yes, many Ferals have a toxic bite. Their fangs carry disease *and* venom. It can be a nasty mix. If the bugs don't kill the victim by multi-organ failure, symptoms can range from Malaria to Lassa Fever. Incidentally, that's how the School of Tropical Medicine got involved. Turns out a course of antibiotics and anti-virals will clean up the bite...

Many Vampires can hold their venom down to anti-coagulants, but Ferals are too excitable, often use their 'fighting' neuro-toxins. Between, there's a full spectrum. Some 'mindbend', their victims are confused, compliant, mildly amnesiac. Others leave 'Zombies'. The worst make their victims psychotic. Hysterical strength and speed, totally off their heads, bad as a wild Angel Duster or Wacko Meth. They can behave like animals. They often think like animals, which may be how WereWolves and the like got started...

Vampires fly ? Er, no. And they don't like high altitudes, or low oxygen. Either can bring on a Porphyria crisis. But they are prenaturally strong, with reflexes like a cat and amazing athleticism. Most could beat 8 seconds for 100 metres-- in bare feet. And those Ninja movies with the flying fights ? Up walls and trees, across roof-tops and never a missed step ? They can do all that. Liz reckons their ancestors stayed tree-apes longer than ours...

Downside is they go anaerobic sooner. Varies, of course. Quarter mile's a general limit and none run marathons. They're not built for it.

Burst range depends on when they fed. A really hungry Vampire is an ambush predator: zero stamina. If they've snacked, or they're interrupted after they get The Rush, they're running on Nitro.

Silver ? That's their Porphyria: The HomoSap version is bad enough-- Vamps also have problems with heavy metals. Any extra makes their photo-sensitivity worse, slows healing. Even a pure Silver blade can leave enough trace to make the wound ulcerate. Organic Silver, Mercury, Lead and the like can give them Minimata Syndrome. Mind you, the Arsenic in old Silver worries them more than the metal: think Nickel Rash...

Stake through the heart ? Yeah, whatever-- The grosser the injury, the less chance they'll walk away...

Another thing: they heal so fast that splinters and bullets can be encysted. Ever get adhesions after an op ? Unpleasant.

Cross ? Never mind any Silver fittings, some of those old crosses doubled as staffs, could land a pretty thump. And leave splinters, of course. Results depend on the wood. Some plants and timbers have toxic sap-- think Poison Ivy. There's on-going work with Taxols and, yes, garlic.

Holy Water ? Bizarrely, there's a germ of truth. The holiest waters came from certain 'blessed' springs, often mineral springs laden with Heavy Metals, Radon and such. Also, the stuff would be rancid with non-local bugs. Even Vampires can take ill...

Radon ? Sure, they don't like Actinides or hot isotopes, they hate the smell of Ozone. Goes with the photo-sensitivity. That fleck of Americium in your old smoke alarm kept you safer from Vampires than from fire. And we've known Vampires abandon attacks on people from high Radon areas. Trade-off is the raised risk of cancer...

Sea Water ?? Fresh or salt, they can drown in the usual way. They shun sea water for its bugs. Remember those Red Tides, the sick shell-fish and sicker people ? Or kids with peanut allergy ? Vampires can get anaphylactic shock from spray or a splash. Immune response makes them burn up with fever, and burst like a rotten corpse. Um, there have been sporadic reports of spontaneous combustion, but takes a proper crematorium to do the honours.

Church-yards and Hallowed Ground ? Yew trees, yew hedges, taxols and lots of bugs, we think. Also, people watch for odd happenings. Much too public. Untidy, old, overgrown cemeteries are better. All those quiet crypts and pseudo-gothic monuments provide good cover...

Clawing their way out of graves ? Yes, but not their own. Human Bums --remember them ??-- slept in door-ways. Vampire Bums bury themselves...

Sorry, didn't catch.. Oh, that 'Three Bites' stuff is a fallacy. You cannot become a true Vampire. Wrong genes. But, their neuro-toxins may seriously screw your mind. Add Stockholm Syndrome and lots can happen. Incredibly, there's plenty of willing Wannabees, Psychos and Goths. We used to call them 'Sucker Bait', but the Vampire term is 'Aspirant'.

Vampire sex ? Never mind the movies, think 'Black Widow'. If their control slips, it gets messy. But only Vampires can breed new Vampires. Our DNA is too different...

Young Vampires ? Before they learn 'Glamour', only their mothers could love them. We reckon those mythical Harpies were juvenile Vampires-- Their table-manners match, that's for sure !! Now, they stay in secure creches until they're educated. Problems start when a creche-Mother loses control. Without social pressure to conform, Juveniles can turn Feral.

Arrogant little sods, Ferals literally cannot accept they're not Lords of Creation. They cannot believe their peers may scramble to take them down before we do. And they do not know fear. That's the worst of it: you can work with the Adults because they'll weigh the odds. Juveniles will try to mob you.

Work with them ? If they've taken Amnesty, they're legitimate. That's the Law. And you must respect them for it. Going Legit is horribly un-natural. We're omnivores, but could you or I go Vegan, lose our booze, sugar, chocolate, coffee and cola without a pang or three ??

Sure, we investigate Ferals and Rogues, but mostly my job is 'Health Visitor'. If their chemistry is off, they get supplements. Oh, human blood, of course, but only ours. SOTM staff are scheme donors. Would you be happy carrying a donor-card otherwise ? No, we don't offer a wrist unless the case is an emergency hypo. We deliver sub-Unit baggies, see that they're taken there and then...

Big Juicy Target ? Yes and no. Taking a Health Visitor is a BIG no-no. We trust them, they trust us. They know we could wipe them out, though at high cost. We know what the civilian casualties could be, they like the benefits of being legit.

Ferals and Rogues are outlaws, they've nothing to lose. After one gang knocked over a 'Milk Run', we upgraded. Same system as cash couriers: bar-codes, passwords, interlocks, anti-tamper devices, coercion codes, panic keys. Some boxes are booby-trapped, some are honesty-checks, some are empty...

Yes, we work with the Police and security industries. They all take a dim view of van-man attacks. Usually different perps, but there is some cross-over. Vampires need money, too, and villains can sell blood...

Big difference is that we're armed. We're not trigger-happy --The 'Due Care' Rule-- but we're allowed 'Reasonable Force'. For Vampires, that means 'Special Loads'...

A couple of stories...

Bandits raided a house thinking our van-man had just delivered valuables. Bad move. They were roughly handled, hog-tied before they knew what hit them. I dare say they were quite pale when the Police led them off...

An armed gang ambushed our van in the dark. It was a classic 'rolling block', professionally done. They had bullet-proofs, shotguns and Uzis, chain-saws for the armour. Should have been a push-over...

Driver and I went 'weapons free', popped the gun-ports, blew away four bandits. They went down too easily for Vampires, may have been Aspirants. I put a 'bear-stop' into one getaway car, which brewed.

That was odd, because Vampires fear fire, prefer Diesel engines. Also, Vampires shunned 'leaded' petrol. One splash meant ghastly burns, like bleach or acid. Towns and cities were so thick with lead particulates that most Vampires fled to the country. Oh, yes, urban Vampires made a come-back after 'unleaded' was introduced. The Utilities' replacement of old Victorian lead plumbing probably helped, too. Timing supports Liz's population statistics, but I'm not convinced...

Where was I ? Okay, the first getaway car had brewed. But it was probably stolen. When I hit the second car and that brewed, too, we started to wonder. Anyhow, remaining bandits were shooting wildly and running around like Masterless Aspirants. Who knew what they'd do ? So we dropped them all...

Blues & Twos arrived very promptly. Turned out the Police had been tipped to a bank-van raid, the gang got suspicious and went for an alternate target...

Hold it-- Okay, leave you here. That call's from Woodside Police. Could be a Rogue, could be a psycho rape/murder, need to check it out...

Take care, now.

Oops. Too much data.

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I won the Loebner prize !