As you may know I like to write ( and in most of the cases after that burn the written) , so I like to share the subject of one of my biggest projects just to know what you sincerely think about it. I just can't translate a part of the writing in english whith all these metaphors , specifical idioms and descriptions ( 10 pages only descriptions in a chapter of 15 pages!!! ) So this is just the subject. It was planning to be a science-fiction writing but now even I don't know which genre it fits. Ok , here is it (please don't laugh) I know it's long but PLEASE I really need an opinion         

The first part is about a post-apocalyptical anti-utopic world after several wars . The action pass in a isolated community somewhere in the world and the main purpose of all these nonsence is to explain the reasons for the apocalypse. During the "Global times" (this is in our days) a new revolutionary invention was created , a substance called "the latin essence" which can convert information into the whole 5 physical  conditions . Later it was transformed to a medicine which affects only the cortex of the brain and transfer a new information in it. After 24 hours the information was gone and the patient needed a new dose. It didn't cause addiction , there was no secondary effects but there was a problem. The problem was that the latin essence was manifactured only in one part in the world by the inventor in his factory and it was immpossibles to guess the formula because :1) the substance evaporated after 24 hours no matter if you used it or not and b) the substance was sealed hermetically in a capsula , if you opened it it evaporated again. After that the government of the country where the inventor was living discovered the factory and made a deal with him. The government pledge to protect and hide the factory and the production in exchange of 50% of the profit of the production. Suddenly this essence swarmed all over the world ,  people used it to pass examps to get more than 10 diplomas , to find high-paied jobs. But they forgot that if they have no real knowedge for the profession they exercised they should take latin essence every day in order not to lose their job and there was only one place in the world they could get it. Firstly the other counties' governments took the care of the transport of the latin essence because they wanted all to be legal . But they are parts of the world in which you just couldn't deliver it for less than 24 hours and a crowd of citizens who had paid for the delivery started to protest. Then the governments passed on the torch to the private companies and in a short distance of times most of them went bankrout. The economical crisis became even worse thanks to the fact that if in a company one of the employes took latin essence he/she could do the job of other persons and nobody needs to pay to 2 persons for something that only the 1 of them can do himself. There was a big unemployment in most of the parts of the world except one place of course , the place where the factory which produced all this substance was. To make the things even worse some of the ex engineers from the factory united and created an illegal market for latin essence. They just thin  it out and sold it cheaper. So there was 1 quality- the original, which affect the brain 24 hours whitout causing disorder , second quality - 12 hours but still safe , 3 quality - 10 hours causing loss of memory and little brain damages , 4 quality - 8 hours great damages after permanent use , 5 quality - 7 hours and after permanent use the brain couldn't take all its functions at once , 6 quality - 5 hours and after a several times you fall asleep for no reason in any time and you also forget how to do simple things like counting , writing and reading and the thin 6 quality - 3 hours causing things worse than the mentioned above. The minority of people used the thin  sixth  quality and the fifth quality in the best case. So the consequences were a real catastrophe , people lost their jobs because of making elementary mistakes or just falling asleep at their work place , schools were suddenly closed and meanwhile a huge wave of immigrants attacked the only economically stable country. So an union between the most powerfull counties decides to ask for scientific collaboration to the Latin essence's county as it was called later in order to create in order to create other factories producing latin essence. The inventor was about to sing a ontract but his county's government realized that they would loose the monopole of the latin essence and after 10 years it would be in the hands of other more powerful countries who would probably use it as they do , to top up their states' exchequer. They distroied a pert of te factory and they even didn't have to present it like an accident because the place when the factory wasn't on any map , it was nowhere. The factory owner refused the contract and made the Union try to reach the latin essence in the other way by sending spies. The government was obligated to protect the factory and after a little time the spies disappeared..forever. So the Union decided to give an ultimatum but it was neglected because the Latin essence's country had the possibility to create te best paid army in the world. And the first "liberating" war started , the latin essence's counrty was destroyed completely. After that another government discovered first the formula of the essence but since its economical situation was very bad it decided to keep it for a little and produce a "little" latin essence for the rest of the world in order to recover. And it did it for a " little" time - 10 years. Then the Union started another liberatimg war and destroied the second country too. All these process repeated several times since the Union was distroied by itself and everyone was in war with the rest usually for no reason or for one reason only - the latin essence's monopol, the great price for the winner. So the participiants did all possible to win the great price using every possible sort of weapon and finally they cause apocalypse wich after that was called DFA ( Derima Fatora Anterina , in sellen " the newest era") After DFA there was no countries just diffrent communities isolated one from another by radiation , chemical refuse , and wreckages of highways. The action pass in chuch a community. After DFA the latin essence was forbiden and people return to the real education. The problem was that there was many members from the community who couldn't read and write and also couldn't learn the basis again because the low quality latin essence caused serious damages of their brains. Anyway there was a private school founded by miss Teufel ( "teufel" in german "devil") and most of the parents thinked that there's something wrong about it because of the high results of their children's education , there were inususally high even when most of the children had inherited their parents' diseases. They supposed miss Teufel gave them high quality latin essence because there were also no secondary effects. They did several inspections in the school and found nothing. Actually the truth was that she didn't gave them latin essence ,  she teached them how to produce it. Obviously miss Teufel's parents were one of these who created the illegal latin essence market. She was doing some sort of revolution , because she realizad that they couldn't survive without the latin essence and if it was forbidden the most of the hscientific knowedge would be lost for the next generations. Later the students started to live with their teacher and leaved their parents .  After her death they invented an artificial language to protect the latin essence's formula - the sellen. The first part of the writing ends with some philosophical troughs about the future by one of the students who became older.

If you has red all of the nonsence in the first part , here is the second one. The second part shows the same community 1200 years later, and they're not on earth anymore because of the radiation. They're on the moon in an utopical country named Arcadia (I know there was  a  country with the same name in the antiquity , but I just like it a lot.) The official language of Atcadia was sellen , the latin essence language. During these 1200 years money had totally lost its value , because there was no place you can buy something from. Also there was no monetary in Arcadia. Everything was produced by machines in the best  possible quality and every citizen had the right to receive latin essence every single day , they received also a house , food , clothes and everything other they wanted. I guess this is highest level of communism , which was never reached. There was also no political parties , only independant candidates. Thanks to the latin essence everyone had the necessery basics to become engineer , doctor , even politician. To become an independant candidate you have to become restatur first , a title given for making revolutionary/ interesting projects and suggestions in interest of the society. And another bonus , there was no wars , the country was only one , no weapons (except kitchen knives ) and no racism (acradians didn't even know they own origin and everyone suffered from some inherited disease , to kill the "weak" ones ment to kill all your people). The unpleasent work was done by machines , there wasn't AI just machines. So everything was just great , the perfect country , but nothing lasts forever. One day an odl-fashioned spaceship (renaining these from the Global times) arrived in Old Savena (an old territory near Arcadia which wasn't populated any more). The ship's name was "Hope" and the people who arrived were obviosly from earth and later were called "lakretians" after their leader's name Lakretii Emonsilis ("emonsilis" means "eternal" in lakretian dialect of sellen). Their technology wasn't so developped as the arcadian , but their forefathers had something to do with the arcadian's forefathers because they spoke another version of the sellen language who was later called " lakretian sellen" . They just had the same idea to establish a country as the arcadians' forefathers did but they didn't expected to find one. So the arcadian current president Imertii Ternibilis , proposed to the lakretian leader to give his people food , latin essence , thecnology , and after a short period of time to "integrate" them in the arcadian society. Emonsilis accepted everything except the last one. I believe I'll have to tell more about this guy. Supposing lakretians were a tribe , if it was so Emonsilis should be the shaman and the god of that tribe , also he should be the one who's responsible about the food , the doctor , the hunter , just everything , because he actually did everything , the idea to establish a country on the moon was also his. Lakretians became lazy they was used somebody else to do what they'll have to do or to tell them what to do , by the way they were also starving because of the bad conditions on earth and often ate dead bodies. Even the country which Emonsilis planned to establish was named after him : Lakretia. He was a natural dictator and the country itself. Arcadian government realized that if there was another country after this country developped there would be problems and quarells about territories, also arcadians would have to create a monetary in order to trade with Lakretia. They saw all this as a degradation which would end to the level to the Global times and probably create a new DFA. During the centuries arcadians were developped too much compared to the lakretian tribe. They thinked they're the only ones who survived , the only intelligent beings in univers and they liked that status too much to loose it. There device was : "God died after DFA , now we are God!" and the arcadian government decided to do everything posssible to prevent Emonsilis from creating a country. Emonsilis also was smart enough to understand that even if he had Lakretia , Arcadia would be still the great power and probably would be  more or less controled by the arcadian goverment. The only way go give his people an independant country was to destroy Arcadia , in other words , to cause DFA one more time.
The arcadian government insisted to integrate lakretians , but Emonsilis also knew that if lakretians lived in Arcadia they should be a minority and since there was no minority in Arcadia before and arcadians didn't know how to treat minorities. Arcadian government also refused to make the lakretian sellen dialect an official language , because during the years arcadian writers developped and enriched the sellen , so the lakretian dialect looked to them poor and uncivilized. After several discords Emonsilis gave an ultimatum to Arcadia by making a little demonstration . He invaded the Argentum (in latin silver) square which was the most important place in Arcadia (the president's house and the parliament were there) with "Hope" and a dozen of starving angry lakretians who broke some statues and killed some arcadian citizens. Ternibilis was so shoked that he just watched the whole scene from the balcony and sis nothing. Of course arcadians were unsatisfied of this and required his retirement immediately. In response to the demnstrtions Ternibilis decided to "terminated" aka to kill the lakretians leader. If the whole lakretian tribe relied only on one person the best way to destroy it was to remove that person. So the arcadian engineers created the "diskrutia" - a sort of latin essence which cause very painful death for less than 2 weeks. The diskrutia attacked the consciousness and the body of the victim causeing hallusinations and loss of consciousness for no reason. The whole process of creating the diskrutia took them 6 months , then they poisoned Emonsilis' latin essence with it and delived it to Old Savena. The result was almost nul , Emonsilis survived.
Then the engineers get in panic and started to talk nonsence like : "It's a pure evel , that's why the diskrution didn't kill him!" . There was of course logical explanations to this fenomen a) lakretians had survived terrible living conditions and many diseases , so their organisms were stromger and b) arcadian engineers did such a thing for a first time and hadn't tested it on human being so it was possible to did something wrong. Ternibilis was angry and ordered the engineers to do it " in the old way". The next 6 months they were constructing a gun. I know it may sounds ironic but there were no guns in Arcadia and teaching chosen persons how to use it. Finally one of them shot Emonsilis before the eyes of the half of the lakretian people during a speach. Obviously they chsoed the worse time to do it , and it became even worse because Emonsilis had a dauther Avelia ( in lakretian sellen "destiny") and all of the spectators heard her screaming from the tribune. Later she get insane. Lakretia put an end to all affairs with Arcadia and the diskrutia rested in the arcadian territory. Soon people started to use it for personal revenge and that made arcaian government to legalize the eutanasia. There was no war but the both countries falled into decadence. After several years they were both divided into smaller countries and then even they divided since
all this came to the Global times' situation. The perfect upotic Arcadia didn't exist anymore and there were local conflicts about territories and privileges. After all some scientists discovered that there's no radiation on earth any more and most gevernments ask themselves : "What are we doing still here?". Then they went back to the earth and establish new states. Only some old arcadian aristocracy staied in the ex Arcadia. So in the end of the writing we have an alternative version of the Global times and probably a new possibility for another DFA. What's the moral? Who's fault was all this? Well I wanted not to create "good" and "bad" characters so I don't know It depents of the point of view.

Very long   ! I red half of the first part, now I'm going to the mall, I'll read the rest in the afternoon !

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I'll have a read and get back in a day or so. Please be patient, I like to let things like this settle into my mind befor replying.

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Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they fly by." - Douglas Adams

The "new era" and the colonies out of the earth reminds me something about the "Gundam" saga and the universal century and the people who got the latin essence seems like the "new types" human beings. I suppose you never know something about gundam so take a look here:

http://www.gundamofficial.com/index.html

it could inspire you a lot. On the contrary of your story in the gundam saga only few people were authorized to stay on earth and the mass of the population was forced to establish on space colonies were some people began to evolve in "new type".

About the story: It's interesting and has good ideas in it. If I could drink latin essence I would have found the latin essence formula first of all and produced it for myself   ... My opinion is that you should make it simpler focusing on some episodes of the war. You described a background, very interesting but it sounds like a history book, maybe a story told in that context could be very interesting   !

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I like it the story arc.  Rather than a single story, you could use this as the matrix for the creation of a whole series of stories, each about a different part of the timeline.  Think for example of Herbert's Dune where the original books began in the year 10,000 somthing and together covered a time period of about 15,000 to 30,000 years.

The arrival of the Hope on the moon and the society there, reminds of a book by Hogan Voyage from Yesteryear.  But the results were different, in Hogan's book, the Mayflower II and the invaders were destroyed and the utopia survived with some former Mayflower II personel joining into utopia society.

Pangor

I will copy and translate

I translated the story!  I love it much!  I would like to see pictures with it

Pangor

Quote:

I will copy and translate

There was no need to translate it . I think I had some french version of the writing on disks. (This was an alternative way to practice french time ago)

About the pictures , I have some sketches of the Argentum square , but making a 3D postcards from Arcadia or Lakretia is a good idea!   

Hello, erenda

I like your story and you should continue to write it.  It seems like a lot of story to get in one book, and perhaps a trilogy of three books might work very well.  Illustrating with your own artwork is a very good idea.

You really should consider saving everything you write instead of burning it.  The late and great novellist Ernest Hemmingway saved every note and incomplete story he ever started.  If he was unhappy with a story because it didn't quite work, or just couldn't get his ideas across, he would put it away, sometimes for years, and then pull out an unfinished story and finish it.  One of Hemmingway's most painful times was when he felt ready to finish a story he had started and placed aside for many years.  He could not find his original story notes and had to re-write it from memory. Although he finished the book and it was well received by the public, Hemmingway knew it could have been better if the original material had not been lost.  

Lennon and McCartney wrote a rough draft of one of the Beatles hit songs on a napkin while eating in a resturant, because that is when they were inspired.

Write down every idea even if it is only a few words or a sentence. Save it to a notebook (or your computer).  One day you will look thru that notebook at the right time and the inpiration of how to finish that idea or complete a story will lift you from your feet and before you know it, the story will be complete as you envision it should be.

Looking forward to more of your work!

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Too many projects, too little time.

Thank you melamkish!   Good idea! Actually most of the time I'm writing "conversations in an uncounscious level" (actually in a truly conscious level , but couldn't invent a better term) when I'm tolking with me and me and of course me ( most of the time we're arguing , which is not a very good thing I guess) which also may be turned into a good parody (or maybe something really serious), but as for the stories I've never feel I have to keep them , they just looked ...emm too childish to me I guess (Well at least one "me" said that , maybe she's not right   lol)
And yes , as you may noticed I'm crazy Guess what? I do not want to be cured , I enjoy it a lot     
Does someone else do such things or it's only me (and me and me )?

Erenda, as you know most of my early works, pictures, writings, and other forms have been lost for various reasons.  I have and continue to regret that.  Save everything, no matter how good or poor you feel they are, keep them.  Then someday they may form the seeds from which your future masterworks can grow from.

Pangor